Polite Rebellion

Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.
- Captain Corelli's Mandolin

my posting patterns, it seems at best I'm a musician and at worst, a rebel. Following my musicianship is my wandering spirit. Then you have my scholarship, my designer chops, and later the lover in me. Love is fifth. The sixth, comedy. I'm not...I'm pretty sure....I would not have chosen this arrangement if you'd laid out the options ahead of time and asked me to arrange them in order of relevance. Maybe many of the songs are about love. Let's see....haha nope. Maybe half to 40% of the songs deal with love. hm. information

I just said pax to a very good friend. Our journey has been an awesome one. So special, I refused to see it end as a product of our break-up. Following days proved challenging and as things panned out, I wondered whether I had handled it with maturity. I experienced a similar outcome a few years ago. Back then I chose dishonesty. This time I was honest and had the same outcome. I worried/thought. The truth is always the best option despite the penalties. If truth is indeed the most important thing to me, I must subscribe to it no matter the consequences and assume that they can never outweigh the benefits self evident or not.

Just finished watching HawthoRNe (online). It was alright. I think there are really workable plot points. It'll have to work things out a bit more though. The pilot felt like they tried to fit a lot of information and make you care about a lot of people at once.

The music has me thinking about a few things. I'm listening to AKeys "Lesson Learned" now. I think I burn myself. A friend came by and told me I might be stifling my co-workers in my pursuit of perfection for them. Ahhhh, there's the rub-"for them". Hmmmn

I got an email from the Indo correspondent that said the first 21 ETAs got their letters so they can begin their Visa applications. She made it sound like they knew who they were. I guess I'm not one. Maybe it's because my last name starts with a W. Played ball today. No W there. My defense is sharper but my shooting is still off during the game. In the shoot-around afterward, wet. During the game, brick city. Not sure why. I stayed about an hour after just working on the wrist action and penetration.

I'm on my way to the other side of the earth if all goes well. I go alone it seems. I was looking at a previous ETA's pictures. I think this experience is made to be. I thank God for his mercy and grace. Life is awesome. Even if I'm not happy, I'm glad others are happy and growing.

I get a lot of pats on the back. Expectations seems high. I wonder sometimes. I wonder a lot. I'm not wandering. I'm moving in a definite direction. Ha! But, I guess wandering and moving in a definite direction aren't easily distinguishable from the outside.

I wrote today. The key to academic intelligence is understanding relationships. The key to social intelligence is understanding value. Seem backwards? It's not. I think it's a glimmer of the brilliance God has promised. I am not destined for greatness for my own sake. I don't even think it'll manifest in a way socially acceptable or recognizable. It is greatness for God. I realize that I'm a vessel no more sacred than a vase. It's God's spirit and purpose breathing through my lungs and out that generate the power. POWER!

I really wish I could hear her cover the whole song. Her rendition is so strong it could very well be her song.


----
Impromptu Extension
----

Heartless
I dig this song but didn't when I first heard it. Mostly, I dug it because it was a leak. I dug that. Seemed like Kanye was really wanting people to hear his music. Never mind the sales for the time being; he wanted you to hear the music, unfinished. I think part of the reason that I didn't like it is because I didn't agree with the delivery. I think the song has the wrenching sound in the chorus break but still, the song feels rushed for the feeling it evokes in me. I think this Lady Gaga take is the way my heart feels it. Slowly, like a sobering thought.

I don't think I've ever really had this feeling though. The scenario is not native to my own heart but I have experienced it through others.



It's a sobering thought.



I've noticed a pattern in my relationships. The cycle began in college. Not sure if its emotional immaturity, impatience or ____. I've met some great young women. People I respect, admire, and genuinely care about.

Ummi said once that just because two people are good doesn't mean they are good for each other. She spoke wisdom to me. A wisdom beyond me but welcoming.


Perhaps hearts need fear. Maybe it's like reason's fire alarm. I asked her to put away her fears. Then, I set a fire.

I am sorry. I am not hearless.

I desire a soft spot to sit under this tree I know. Some fresh air would do well enough. A hug or some reassurance that life is going as scheduled would be warm and welcome. I saw a tree once in Georgia on my father's land. It was away and off in the distance. I thought it was beautiful and often would pause on the red and rocky road to gaze at it over there. I like the tree but it made me feel sad. The land was hilly and rolled into the woods. The tree lining was sparse and especially so near this one. It stood triumphantly and alone. Perhaps it was peric victory.

(I'm listening to D'Angelo's "Africa" from Voodoo as I type this)
Where I am today is quite a walk from where I was yesterday so to speak. It's a bit more than a stone's throw but I can still recall then. My feelings and thoughts about God, the nature of purpose, identity, relationships, and things have changed. I' like to think I've grown. I'd say and believe so. I recently talked with a best friend of my adoré (not sure if that's a real word but I think you get what I'm identifying). We talked about our respective institutions and thereby about ourselves a bit. We didn't speak as about my adoré as I had anticipated. The friend came off as very similar to my adoré. It became clear how they might be very good friends.
-Commercial: Now in thinking about it, I remember her and I having a small talk about the diversity in our social circles and the pros and cons thereof. Her group is made up of likeminded or relatively like-minded indiviuals. The positive for this in her case is that she has a smaller but tighter circle of friends that she can readily identify with. The negative is that ideological challenges come less often as there is fundamental concensus on thought. Perhaps execution becomes the primary medium for conflicting dialogue. I speak in supposition as I've never had such a circle. My group is made up of people from accross the social and ideological spectrums. The positive there is that I have many opportunities to challenge my ideas and those of others and experience other ways of thinking. The negative has been that while I have a breadth of contacts and associates, those I would consider friends in the sense that she does is much more limited.-
We seemed to disagree a bit on outlook and potential approach though our conversation remained cordial even at points of distance. After thinking about it, I think I challenged a bit more than I ought, considering this was our first meeting. It's the same way I speak to most any of my peers though so....Whatever the best course of action was, I results were a bit surprising. That's to say, they made me think of new things. I received a text later the next day hinting that her friend may not like me. I immediately thought, "Aggghhh, I went too hard. I should have just listened more and kept the topic of discussion lite." I've been told that I can come off a bit intractable. I can see that. We talked later and I learned that it wasn't so much that she disliked me but that she thought that we had different world views. As they have similar world views, my adoré and I must also have different world views that's where she found a matter of contention our relationship.

I've never really
1. Considered how world views could (un)shape (romantic) relationships. Although now its seems a practical checkpoint. I do regard spiritual accord as a necessary prerequisit to relationship, though.
2. Examined whether she and I had different world views. Upon then asking, she was found to agree with her friend on the matter of our having different world views.
3. Taken a critical look at how this line of reason might determine her thoughts on the lifespan/purpose of our relationship.

Needless to say, I was a bit taken aback. It gave an odd feeling in the gut. Like I'd been blindsided. I'm not the most organized person, but I take a pragmatic approach to relationships. I try to do so even in romantic relationships though I'd found myself making impractical concessions with myself concerning time. Why? Because I wanted to and don't regret a single minute of it. As she attempted to assuage my concern, I think we both knew that the reason in her friend's concern was no chimerical consideration.

And so i think to myself......................................

I want to stay, but can this last from where we are?
I want this to last, but.....................can it? Can I will it to be?....Where/when is that determining discussion?................. = L

Folks. 

If they are the reflection from yesterday's tears

I'm feeling a bit...........smiley kinda

Lupe Fiasco's And He Gets the Girl from Matthew Metoyer on Vimeo.

i know

And just like that
I knew
It couldn't be you
Me, what was that
thing I learned about
me
I was looking at
flashing lights
In the sky
Then the street
On the line in between
flashing lights
I can't be all of me
Some of it I'd have to leave
at the door
before I could be sure
you'd be happy with
all you see
Just like that

Decided

To shoot by love

Since some girl taught me

I can’t choose my love

So I take my watch off

The light still on

Alarm don’t ring

I set on snooze

No charms, no rings

I’m dead on cool

If she don’t concede, she can leave

Right

Right

Somebody tell me that I’m right

Come on

I been goin at it like this too long to be wrong

The time I’ve lost, cannot be re-won

Cannot re-wound

Cannot rebound-ed

U-cate me on how

I’m supposed to be better than I was,

Right now

When what don’t move

Only makes me refuse to budge

Look, I ain’t that used to love

Aight

So grudge if you want,

Cause we broke off salty

A couple showers always got your smells off me

But the tears that leave the taste the longest

End up being the bitter ones

So I always feel more acquitted than a quitter

And if you ask me

My way makes sense

Even saves a dollar

Man that’s 2 for 1

Only time I doubt

Is when we get done and she ain’t out

Like she might as well be

Haven’t met anybody I wasn’t willing to give up on

So I get a little jaded with the old love songs

I'm unfinished